Roles of Family and Friends  Baby-sitters or Role-models ?

While circumstances force some parents to begin the task of raising their children alone, there is no doubt, in all but the minds of the most blinkered, normally selfishly, that two good parents are better than one when it comes to the all-round balanced development of children.  While some children do react positively to the responsibility of not having a mother or a father around, there is no doubt that many lose out and carry the 'loss' through their adult lives.  The onus then, should such a situation be unavoidable, is to involve as many family, friends and neighbors of both sexes in the lives of the children.  It goes without saying, that these contacts that you would like your children to interact with, should hopefully be well-balanced individuals themselves, but isolating children from external contacts altogether, could be tantamount to transforming an unfortunate beginning into a disastrous ending.

The increased physical separation of members of modern two parent families appears not only to be having a negative impact on our young, but also on the neighborhoods we live in.  While it is admirable to encourage children to 'spread their wings' and gain experience elsewhere it seems incredible after the gross mistakes of the fifties and sixties in the United Kingdom that many local councils appear to have learned very little in respect of planning our new housing programs.  Perhaps there was a time when massive high-density housing schemes were necessary to overcome short-term housing problems.  However, it is amazing that in this day and age, while some councils express concern about the decline of city centers, other councils come up with schemes to relocate large numbers of families from their traditional roots to new housing schemes.  Even worse, often these mass people-planning exercises are forced upon the alien communities of previously unassociated towns and villages.  Some new towns of this ilk have undoubtedly had some success in areas such as job creation, but few have managed to create an integrated environment where the traditional values of both communities have been enhanced.  This problem is not restricted to the UK, but is an international problem as evidenced by the decline and attempted re-generation of a high proportion of American City-centers, many of which are unsafe to walk in at night or remain unwelcoming ghettos.  Singapore, which is an affluent country by Asian standards, has limited space on its 41 kilometer (26 mile) long strip of land.  Relocating the inhabitants of 'China-town' to multi-cultural suburban Housing Board Development apartment blocks though, has probably resulted in the destruction of more traditional Chinese family neighborhoods than occurred during the Japanese occupation of the second world war.  While in Singapore there are undoubtedly advantages in this new racial and cultural integration program given the diverse ethnic mix, many remain unconvinced that this must necessarily be at the expense of traditional values.

There was a time not so long ago when the elderly were held in high regard for their experienced wisdom, but unfortunately their influence on today's children appears to be waning as more of them are removed from their traditional neighborhoods and packed off to old-people's homes.  Some prefer independence from their families, but the sooner we can re-integrate traditional family values into modern life-styles and expose our children to more elderly and wiser heads, the sooner we are likely to have safe and friendly neighborhoods we can all be proud of.  When one visits some of the world's poorest people in remote parts of the world yet sees happiness, a strong sense of family and general caring for their fellow human-beings, even in some places lepers, one wonders just how 'civilised' modern man has really become?  Greed and capitalism unfortunately appear to go hand-in-hand and it appears to be increasingly rare in our civilized society for generations of family members to help provide for each other, never mind share meager resources with the sick and less fortunate in the local community.

The growth in the number of cars and out-of-town supermarkets is not helping to rebuild our communities and it is obvious to most that are concerned about our environment, city and country, that better solutions must be devised.  Pursuing commercial advantage regardless of cultural and environmental values is hopefully a declining industry, but developers launch new plans every day to attempt to convince us that we need to rape the land and build more new housing estates, rather than upgrade or reconstruct within the existing environs of our towns and cities.  One does not have to be an economist to work out that the larger new developments generate more profits for the developers and in the minds of the more skeptically-minded more 'fringe benefits' for less honest councilors and officials.  If instead of town planners and architects conceiving new housing schemes independent of the people who are intended to live there, we start the planning process by asking the people in existing communities how these can be upgraded or extended in a way which will bring family members and long-time neighbors and friends closer together, we may start to improve the overall quality of life for everyone.  While all share the desire to see basic facilities modernized, if we feel insecure and unhappy in our own homes surely we are deluding ourselves if we think this is 'progress'.  In East European countries such as Poland, it is still common to see in outlying towns, houses that are built to accommodate three generations.  All family members contribute to the building, upgrade and expansion of the family property, which besides providing a roof over heads, establishes continuity within the local community.  Grand social designs based on forcing an instant blend of different backgrounds and different cultures are not simply illogical, but likely to lead to social strife even before their founders have permanently escaped the chaos they have created.  Improving the overall quality of life in existing communities as opposed to creating new problem areas must be the way forward in the next millennium.  Combining this philosophy with an integrated approach to public transport, which encourages people, rather than cars, into our towns and cities, has to become a sincere priority not a perverse way of generating more council or government revenues.

The more we bring people together in a friendly but respectful community atmosphere, the less likely we are to have neighbors who are total strangers and who may intentionally or otherwise be upsetting their fellow citizens.  Having family members close by usually makes baby-sitters more accessible which gives parents some valuable time to themselves.  Family members and long-standing friends are more likely to be sensitive to the needs of young family members than someone who has no local community bond.  If each of us works hard to become a worthy role-model for our own children then we can build an atmosphere which can positively pass from generation to generation and impact on the children of our neighbors as well.  Conversely, if we, our families and friends, fail to make the effort to educate our children on the merits of behaving responsibly and caring for our fellow man, then as Lady Macbeth discovered the stains of guilt will not wash away easily and we may live to witness the tragic demise of our own children and possibly our grandchildren.

Some ideas which may be helpful to parents, relatives, friends and neighbors in building on traditional community values :

Suggestions On Building A Sense Of Family & Local Identity

	Don't plan to have children if you do not have a stable 'partnership' (ideally heterosexual) in which to raise your children - there is no substitute for a balanced and caring domestic environment for children.  While maximizing the interaction of children with other well-intentioned adults is always advisable, no 'remote' individual can replace a good resident Mum or Dad.  (One note of caution here is that in their efforts to be as fair as possible in divorce situations, the courts appear to tend to favor solutions such as weekend or alternate weekend relocation of the children.  Often claims are made by the parents about their rights of access without consideration of the trauma and confusion this generates in the children.  Surely if one is viewing this situation from the perspective of the children, it would be much less selfish and much more commendable, having assessed which parent is most likely to provide a healthy stable balanced and caring home environment to ensure the continuity of that environment.  In an 'ideal settlement', parents will meet for a friendly exchange of their offspring at the weekend, or on holidays, and reinforce the good values the children are being taught every other day.  In practice, this constant tugging is likely to introduce conflict into the lives of the children, which in many cases will only make a bad situation even worse.  This comment should not be interpreted as suggesting abandonment of responsibility on the part of one of the parents, but if a mutually satisfactory arrangement cannot be achieved on the basis of exchange periods based on months rather than hours, then perhaps in some instances it is best for the children if one parent is divorced of contact altogether until the children have matured and reached the age where they are better prepared to make their own judgments.  Assuming that the 'removed' parent is not using the situation as an excuse to absolve themselves of their responsibilities towards their children and that alimony as well as birthday and Christmas presents are forwarded, hopefully the children will come to respect the sacrifices of both parents.  If parents cannot come to an amicable arrangement along the lines suggested, then perhaps a new beginning with foster parents truly offers the best prospects for the children's future happiness.)
	Encourage children to meet relatives, friends and neighbors in a positive atmosphere - the more positive experiences and relationships which children participate in within their local community, the less likely they are to be hostile to that or any other community later on in life.  If you find it difficult to say a good word about your neighbors, then it is unlikely that your children will grow up with respect for those living round about him or her, and perhaps even any affinity towards his or her local neighborhood.  (There are always some in every neighborhood who would rather ignore common etiquette or complain to the local council rather than tell you that there is a problem.  However, instead of condemning these people as 'anti-social', we should perhaps pity their singularity and make a greater effort to get to know the positive aspects of all of our neighbors.)
	Encourage children to participate in looking after sick relatives, friends and neighbors - if we turn a blind-eye to those around us who are in need of help or comfort, then we are actually teaching our children not to care about the predicament and welfare of others.  Every time a child witnesses even a small gesture on our parts towards others, his or her compassion is likely to grow a little more.  If we send a child with even a tiny amount of excess food we might have purchased or cooked to someone who is ill and will probably appreciate it, we are indicating that this is the type of local community we want to build.
	Encourage children to participate in local events - whether it be church fairs charity sales or community development projects, children should be encouraged to participate even if you occasionally are not able to through work commitments, or other responsibilities.  Many parents too easily give-in to their children when suddenly the opinion is expressed that they no longer want to participate in activities that enable them to interact with others such as cub-scouts or girl-guides, but no child can comprehend that this and similar decisions could, over time, lead to the break-up of another family.  In the long-term it makes sense to be able to interact with a broad cross-section of characters, even if you don't easily relate to some and perhaps don't even like others.

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