Roles of Parents - Guardians or Teachers ?

One of the first questions in relation to raising children that prospective parents should discuss, and hopefully form agreed opinion on, is whether they view their primary functions as parents to be those of guardians or teachers, or a combination of the two?

To elaborate further, most parents, consciously or otherwise, either naturally try to protect their children at every opportunity or use every opportunity to train their children to cope for themselves.  Achieving an appropriate balance in an ever-changing world is difficult enough for a single mature adult; it may appear to be an impossible goal for a teenage couple struggling to come to terms with their own relationship while perhaps wondering if they will have enough to pay the rent at the end of the week.  There is one piece of advice, however, that all parental advisors appear to be in agreement on, which is that parents should act consistently and as one in terms of their demands and expectations of their children.  This sounds relatively straightforward, but as every parent knows, even before children are walking they are already beginning to master the technique of manipulating their parents and exploiting any differences in responses for their own advantage.

It is often so much easier just to pick a baby up every time he or she cries rather than question whether this is a good idea given the fact feeding time was only an hour ago and this apparent demand for attention has been repeated every fifteen minutes.  Parents quickly learn to distinguish between clear signs of distress and such demands, but even much later on in life many insist on convincing themselves that their roles as guardians must be continually reinforced.  What harm can it do the children anyway, some may ask?  It is a rather amazing fact of life that most parents can recognize when other people's children are spoiled but still have significant 'blind-spots' in respect of their own, even those parents who might admit to spoiling their children 'a little'.  But, this loving, perhaps sometimes selfish view, may indeed hinder their loved ones from becoming mature adults capable of taking responsibility for others as well as themselves.

For some parents it is easier to simply make frequent use of a dummy-tit or as their children get older 'the back of their hands' for a smack on the rears of their offspring.  Unfortunately in too many instances today these scenarios deteriorate into letting children sit in front of TV or PC screens for hours without parents making any effort to relate to their children or encouraging them to do something more healthy or constructive.  Worse still, some parents resort to physically abusing their children under the guise of 'disciplined training' or 'teaching lessons', which distances their kids even further.  When both parents are working and there do not seem to be enough hours in a day to cope with everyday tasks, like undetected malignant cancers, these situations may gradually become irreversible without either parent realizing that they are witnessing the results of their own action, or lack of action.  These often selfish extremes do little to prepare the children they have brought into the world to lead healthy balanced lives.

So what is the answer to this dilemma faced by most new parents today?  We know that every child is different, but is justification in this response not normally an attempt to condone a wrong or lazy approach?  Of course children will continue to demand attention if they have always been made the center of attention.  Children starved of affection will naturally be more influenced by others who are perhaps less concerned with their long-term welfare.  It is not only important that parents strike an appropriate and consistent balance with their children between these two extremes but that they do so at an early age.

Even before a child can walk he or she can be learning to sleep to a schedule that suits the whole family.  Achieving this is not necessarily easy, but the key is to establish set times for feeding and sleeping as early as practical, and to rigorously adhere to them except in the instance of illness or when it genuinely is unavoidable.  If a baby's meal time depends on whether there is a late-night movie on TV and if so, what time it finishes, then there is every likelihood that the baby will frequently be hungry and crying for food.  There is also every likelihood that the baby will not be hungry when it next suits the parents to feed him or her.

From the age a child is learning to walk and talk, he or she can begin to take on responsibility and contribute to the family.  The maxim that the more effort one puts in the more benefits one is likely to enjoy in the future is particularly pertinent to parents raising children.  It takes time to continually correct errors and no loving parent enjoys admonishing their children if progress is not forthcoming.  It is relatively easy to succumb to the pleas of children to watch more television rather than think of tasks for them to achieve before allowing a limited and fixed period of viewing.  However, it is only through the consistent effort of parents aided by a well thought-out system of rewards (and if necessary sanctions) that children will more fully exploit their natural talents, undertake healthy exercise daily and happily accept responsibility.  All of this can be achieved while those children enjoy the enormous benefits of being an integral part of a caring and truly loving family.  (The idea is to give children a sense of responsibility and teach them self-control, without compromising their natural exuberance.)

As soon as parents accept the above and the need to achieve an optimum compromise between their roles as guardians and their roles as teachers, they can then focus their efforts on agreeing actions to take ahead of the various demands which arise with all children.  While readily accepting that children and family circumstances differ from home to home, most normal and healthy children the world-over will benefit from adopting procedures similar to the following:    

Suggestions On Parenting

	As early as practical start teaching children to perform small tasks for themselves - by the time children can walk they can be helping to set the table, mixing powdered milk with water, putting their own toys away.  In the same way as it is healthy to encourage children to undertake physical activity such as running, swimming, and sport in general, it is good for their 'mental health' to start the process of caring for themselves and undertaking 'family chores'.
	Don't give in to your child's tantrums, tears or pleading - the sooner and more clearly you and your spouse make it clear that such displays will not alter your decision, the sooner you will be doing the child and yourselves a favor.  More than that, children that do not understand the word "no" and are not disciplined by their parents, will invariably be taught the lessons of life by others less caring and probably less compassionate.  (Given the choice of seeing a child cry for an unnecessary luxury  or a grand-child cry for a permanently absent parent, I would rather the former even if it did cause me to cry a little inside myself.)
	Identify your child's likes and work out which tasks are appropriate for him or her to fulfill in order for the likes to be met - maximum one hour of television on Saturday morning only if all toys/clothes neatly put away and room tidy, desert/ice-cream given only if meal completely finished, maximum half-hour bed-time story read only if children in bed before pre-set time (eg less than five years of age - 7PM; less than eight - 8PM; less than twelve - 9PM; less than sixteen - 10PM).  The 'logic' of this approach can also be used in reverse.  If you would prefer a child to play in the garden or play-area rather than make a noise in the house, then instructing them to tidy their room first if they wish to stay-in may be the fastest way to get them out of the house.
	Only give financial rewards, including pocket money, when agreed tasks have been satisfactorily completed - the sooner children understand this linkage the sooner they can be persuaded to work towards common family goals.  In addition, this approach, rigorously enforced, will help children to understand the value of money.  (Adopting the same approach whenever new items of clothing are desired will also encourage children to appreciate the value of other people's possessions.)
	Work out in advance what is an appropriate 'sanction' for not obeying instructions or misbehaving - consistently deny reward of 'likes' when tasks not fulfilled, confine overly boisterous children to their rooms, and as a last resort, firmly chastise children who repeatedly disobey instructions or misbehave (psychology more important than a gentle smack on a bottom no matter how well-intentioned the latter).  NB NO PARENT SHOULD ATTEMPT TO STRICTLY DISCIPLINE A CHILD, IN ANY MANNER, UNLESS IN FULL CONTROL OF HIS OR HER OWN TEMPER.
	Don't let children immediately play with all of their new toys at birthdays and at festive times - by letting children open all their toys then putting some aside and reintroducing them one at a time throughout the course of the year, one maximizes the benefit from each of the toys while minimizing the cost and time required to provide alternative amusements for active off-spring.
	Expose children in controlled situations to sensitive issues, don't shield them from them - if you are living in The Bronx or one of the less affluent of Glasgow's council housing estates and your surname sounds like that of a Russian ballet dancer, then to spend a lot of time telling your son not to worry about the names he is going to get called is not going to remove any apprehensions he may have.  If on the other hand you turn your surname into domestic nick-names for him that he can laugh at and where it is evident there is no malicious intent, then perhaps he may be more prepared to ignore the later name-calling that will undoubtedly arise.
	Think and plan ahead - seek ways to encourage the outcomes you desire.  As an example, if you think it is a good idea to encourage young boys to run around and to wear short trousers for as long as possible, then the way to approach this is to appeal to their precocious man-hoods by complimenting their hardiness and sporting potential, particularly in cold weather, rather than by trying to convince them that not following other boys doesn't make them "sissies".  Whether your reasons are that it is much healthier for boys to be physically active and run around in shorts instead of long trousers, or that shorts require a lot less washing and mending, is irrelevant, the important thing is that if you think about it early enough and plan the appropriate actions, you can have some control over your child's development rather than leave it to the influence of others.  (With respect to the particular example of short trousers, in a city such as Brisbane, Australia, it is not uncommon to see men walking to their offices in short trousers.  Although admittedly the climate is generally warmer than that of London or New York, there have been few reported cases of frost-bite in these cities because of children walking to school in short-trousers!)

© Copyright  2000  - In Search Of Common Sense - All Rights Reserved