Roles of Parents, Family and Friends - Jailers or Conspirators ?

While the emphases may change, as children pass through adolescence they still require a balanced set of home values to relate to.  Although most teenagers would probably protest otherwise, the interaction they have with their parents and other potential adult role models, is perhaps even more important during this period than at any other time during their development.  Naturally adolescents want to cut their own paths through the tangle of mysteries, challenges and uncertainties that confront all who want to discover themselves and experience mental and physical relationships with others.  However, helping their children to accomplish this without long-term detriment to themselves or others, must become a priority of parents of 'blossoming teenagers'.

Most parents naturally feel particularly protective of their daughters, but it is surprising how many appear destined to make the same mistakes as their mothers.  Is this because there is a common denominator in their genealogy governing the way they interact with others, or is it more a function of the climate created in the home.  If a mother suddenly realizes in middle age that she started having sex too young and was ill-equipped psychologically to handle raising a child at a time when she was still learning so much about life herself, will she find a way to help her daughter avoid making the same mistakes or will her attempts to justify her own actions result in the same mistakes being repeated?  While many mothers may try to do the right thing and advise their children verbally not to repeat their mistakes, perhaps there remains a lack of sincerity in this that causes many young mothers to in turn become young grandmothers and many children to be without full-time and long-time fathers?

There are many well-worn clichés on the subject of beauty and the proposition that it is what is inside that is most important.  While the underlying truth that physical beauty is not a measure of attributes such as kindness, selflessness and sincerity, does this condone parents, without medical eating disorders and who have not managed to discipline their own eating habits, attempting to convince themselves and their children that fat is beautiful?  Besides the fact that overweight young children invariably miss out on sporting opportunities, which robs them of a substantial area of healthy diversion, overweight adolescents face even more pressure from their peers during this critical stage in their lives.  While no one wants to push young girls to starve themselves and perhaps succumb to anorexia, without personal self-respect what chance does an adolescent have to stand-up for the values he or she knows to be right?  Obviously self-respect is not all about obesity, but the way we act, what we say and the way we appear are all aspects of our personal make-up that other people judge us by.  However, if we want other people to take us seriously we have to first take ourselves seriously and be prepared to discipline ourselves when required.  If we do not learn self-discipline and build self-respect in the home, then it is likely that when we are not at home that sooner or later we will fall victim to peer pressure and perhaps win temporary popularity through sex or drugs or both.

It is a great dilemma for parents who wish to encourage their teenagers to mature mentally by experiencing the 'real world' for themselves while attempting to protect them from the evil influences of others.  In practice, the sooner parents realize that as a general rule this cannot be accomplished and that the only safeguard is the lessons that children have learned at home, the sooner their emphasis will change from being irresponsible or very restrictive to being responsibly constructive.  If you apparently make little effort to discipline your own habits, then what right do you have to demand discipline in your children?  Most children are sensible enough to work out early on in life whether the words of their parents carry true conviction or not.  This assessment will determine whether they attempt to understand your message or simply dismiss it out of hand.  Being a parent is a tough job because irrespective of the decisions you made in your own youth, you owe it to your children to work at being a role model for them.  This is not simply about working at controlling your eating or drinking habits, but about all aspects of your life because most children will see through a message that is not backed up by consistent action in every sphere of domestic life.

Parents who spoil children, wittingly or otherwise, perhaps send the most confusing messages of all to their children because by giving in to all their children'Ã?Â?Ã?Â?Ã?Â?Ã?Â?s demands when the children are young they then put themselves in an impossible position when adolescence dawns of expecting their children to apply responsible discipline to their actions.  What training have these children had to cope with a world where every decision may be fraught with potential danger, where simply doing what you feel like can destroy the lives of others as well as yourself, where there may be no second chances?  No parent should excuse interest in the well-being of their children and their friends.  However, controlled assumption of responsibility by their children should be the objective of all parents who truly care about the long-term welfare of their most important legacies, and about the contributions they will make to the futures of us all.

For a mother who succumbed to sexual interest at an early age or a father who lied about his intentions, or pressured a girl into succumbing to his sexual pleasure, it may be difficult to admit that not everyone makes the same mistakes or acts as selfishly as they did.  Whether this acknowledgement is in itself important or not may be a matter of debate, but what is important is for each parent to take the time to analyze the domestic environment they experienced and to question what aspects of that played a role in the decisions they made during adolescence.  Most will find with the minimum of scrutiny that attitudes in parents towards themselves either became reflected in their children or caused reactions, sometimes in the opposite direction, among their children.  Parents, like human beings, are not perfect, so mistakes will be made by all of us.  What makes a good parent is the willingness to take actions to avoid a repeat of those mistakes by parent or child through making the commitment and the time to create a positive but controlled environment at home.

Some suggestions which may be helpful to parents seeking to improve their domestic atmosphere relative to their children are :

Suggestions On Improving 'The Home Environment'

	Discipline yourself before you discipline your children  while it is essential that there be a prevailing air of discipline and mutual responsibility in the home, gorging yourself on 'fatty foods' while telling your teenage daughter not to over-eat or regularly coming home drunk while telling your teenage son that alcohol is not good for you, will not help you to achieve the desired results.
	Work at doing as many things as possible as a family  you may not have the same TV interests as the members of your family so instead of insisting on watching what you want all the time, occasionally deny yourself a little selfish pleasure and offer to participate in a game or sport or to accompany your children in their favored activities.  Certainly all musical, artistic and sporting diversions are to be encouraged (provided they don't disturb the lives of others through actions like playing the bagpipes in a housing block flat at midnight, spraying the latest gang slogan on a neighbor's fence and kicking a ball against a neighbor'Ã?Â?Ã?Â?Ã?Â?Ã?Â?s wall) but even the most deprived families can normally discover some form of mutually enjoyable activity if they put their minds to it.
	Discuss your decisions with your children  part of not spoiling children and getting them to act as sensible and considerate individuals is to constantly speak with them and to explain the reasons why you cannot give-in to all their demands.  If your advice and decisions are well thought out, as they should be, then there should be no reason not to discuss the reasoning behind them, even if you cannot sometimes relay details which may be sensitive.  If you are inconsistent or cannot defend the decisions you make then perhaps it is time for you to attempt to seek some independent advice for yourself.
	Be prepared to listen and learn yourself  as a parent it may sometimes be difficult to be objective in talking to one's own children because one tends to assume that one is always going to be right.  However, by the time children are entering their teens, if not before, they are already beginning to become more currently knowledgeable in some areas than their parents.  If parents develop an automatic reaction in every controversy that they must be right, even if sometimes they are not, then it is hardly surprising if their children develop a disregard for parental advice and criticism.  Bear in mind though, that it can be just as unconstructive to let children think that they are right when they are not.
	Give young people space to develop their thoughts and talents  while it is important that common rooms in the house be kept clean and tidy, teenagers need to be allowed to create their own environment, where this is practically feasible in the home.  Therefore, while parents should continue to be strict on cleanliness, what music children listen to or stick up on the walls of their own rooms should be their choices not yours.

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